Over the last couple weeks, I have pushed the person I have understood myself to be. I have pushed so hard that I can only imagnie a breaking point is near. Except that it’s not. The breaking point is a figment of my imagination and an end result that I’ve made up to keep me safe.
I have been headlong in the self-publishing world promoting and strategizing an assent for an incredible author and all the while the voice over in my head runs.
You’re not good enough.
No one takes you seriously.
What do you think you’re doing?
You have no idea how to do this.
You’re little positivity act is going to crack soon, you will fail, you’ll fall on your face and wehn you do, everyone will see it.
You think you can publish a book too? Silly girl, no one would read it.
This is what success looks like, You’re not a success.
You should quit now before you bring everyone else down with you.
So, as I set up accounts on sites I’ve always been terrified of, and as I scour the internet to learn everything I can about everything I need right now, and as I prod my resistant machine of a brain for new and fresh ideas, I sigh.
I sigh from exhaustion. I sigh from disgust. I sigh from elation. That voice may be running in a loop over every single thing I do but there are moments of pause. The moments when I conquer a mystery. The moments that I break through something that has always been a barrier. In those moments, the voice fades out; it chokes on its own fodder and as I basque in the momentary glory, I hear it whisper…
I was wrong.
You ARE extraordinary.
You can do it.
You are stronger than this voice.
Then, doubt. And the loop begins again. I’ve learned to ignore it. Dismiss it. I’ve learned through awareness and mindfullness to just hear it and not actually listen. I’ve learned that the only power that voice has is the power I give it by acting on its poison.
I’ve learned that I am enough, even if what I am today is less than yesterday, my best is sujective to the moment. I am enough. I can do anything. I do accomplish the impossible.